Socialist Taxes on the Rich (and why they’re smart for you)

Let’s suppose I was doing something fun and dangerous, like riding a motorcycle really fast or driving a car really fast or having sex with a girl who’s husband is way bigger than me. An incident occurs, and I break my damn leg. Now when you break your leg, you’ve really only got two choices. You can

a) not go to a professional, and just leave it alone or attempt some barbaric home surgery

or

b) go to a professional, and get your leg fixed without becoming deformed or dying

Since I love my perfectly formed legs and not being dead, I would choose the professional every time. I roll into the emergency room, get a cast, and wheelchair myself home with a cool story. And then the hospital sends me a bill, and they want about 10k from me. Well I sure can’t pay that. In the bad old days, they would have come and broken my other leg, but we’re more enlightened. They just take the money from somebody with a lot more money than me, or maybe a whole lot of people who collectively have a lot more money than me. Problem solved.

‘Oh, but Pope, you have absolutely no right to take the money from other people,’ you might say. Well fuck that. I shouldn’t be left to die. That’s pretty backwards. You’d might as well say we should leave starving people starving, children uneducated, and roads unpaved, ready to be blazed like the Oregon Trail. When scientists and/or philosophers (if you’re in Europe) say ‘people need this,’ people say ‘well hell, those guys are smart, I guess we need that!’ And then they go get it. But if it’s expensive, they can’t go get it. And then they get mad. And then they riot and rebel and cut the heads off of people who can afford it, take their money, and probably wind up spending it all on booze instead of the original thing they needed.

See, I’m poor. I think the poverty line is at 24k a year or something, and I don’t get that much. If the government has to strong-arm some rich bastard out of a golden toilet seat so I can get food and roads and water, so be it. I’m happier. You’re probably not much wealthier than I am, either, so what’s your excuse?

I actually have an answer for that. We Americans have always lived in the land of opportunity, and we don’t see an unbreakable barrier between us and our wealthy overlords. We’re absolutely certain that one day, we’ll be rich too, and we don’t want to be paying taxes we would otherwise put toward new iPhones and whatever people buy with money. Really, think about it, if you didn’t pay taxes, whether rich taxes or poor taxes, you probably wouldn’t spend your money on anything important. Id probably spend it all on weed and hookers and expensive meat, because I’m a simple man. You might prefer blow and motorcycles, or you might just fill a bathtub with dollar bills. Either way, you’re not gonna be rich, even with a college degree. You might be rich enough to be really screwed, but not rich enough to enjoy lots of tax loopholes, so do the smart thing, look out for number one, and support red Communist taxes on the rich.

Or support no taxes for any of us and exploit other, poorer people. That’s a different idea, though.

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